


Carol of the Decepticons

by Bibliotecaria_D



Series: Footnotes [8]
Category: Transformers Generation One
Genre: Christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 17:53:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bibliotecaria_D/pseuds/Bibliotecaria_D
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Baby Jesus won’t make it out alive.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carol of the Decepticons

**Title:** Carol of the Decepticons  
 **Warning:** Christmas-related silliness, mostly American. Theoretically offensive jokes.  
 **Rating:** G  
 **Continuity:** G1 (Footnotes)  
 **Characters:** Decepticons.  
 **Disclaimer:** The theatre doesn’t own the script or actors, nor does it make a profit from the play.  
 **Motivation (Prompt):** _Advent Calendar #1: Optical illusion,_ and various holiday stories/songs listed at end.

 

[* * * * *]

 

It started with a report.

Or rather, it started with an incident that inspired the report that —

\-- no, wait, it probably started with the Autobots that led to the incident that inspired the report that —

\-- but it wasn’t the Autobots’ fault that the holiday season had started really early this year with —

\-- okay, so, blame Black Friday in the USA. If anyone had been paying attention, they would have noticed that’s when twitchy behaviorism became full-fledged paranoia. But no one was, because they had bigger things to worry about. Megatron had traveled to Cybertron to oversee the ongoing attempt to chase down the Autobot guerilla combat units, and Optimus Prime had followed to lend assistance to Ultra Magnus. The Autobots were still being steadily driven off of Cybertron, but they weren’t making it easy for Megatron. The Decepticons left on Earth were required to step up their energon-gathering to fuel the war effort, and the Autobots on Earth had been making that task difficult. Optimus Prime was off-planet, but the Dinobots and Aerialbots were turning up at every battle. This was a headache for Soundwave and Starscream, who were actually fairly good at this cooperation thing when they absolutely had to do it1.

So when the day after Thanksgiving came around, nobody noticed a certain Decepticon beginning to fret. Or, if they had, they had attributed it to driving in retail shopping traffic, because that stuff was slagging scary2.

Right. The report of the incident caused by the Autobots but really started by Black Friday read as follows:

 _Upon encountering the Autobot patrol, passive observation became impossible. Stunticon unit (temporary assignment to Combaticons) was subjected to intense psychological warfare. Stunticon unit’s state of mind necessitated engagement. Inherent abilities of Stunticon unit threatened fighting abilities of Combaticons despite favorable odds. When quick engagement resulted in no clear victory, mutual retreat allowed both sides of the encounter to disengage without further damage. However, significant damage to Stunticon unit’s mental stability had already been accomplished. Stunticon’s engine ability continued to inflict damage on Combaticons, and extreme measures were required in order to penetrate Stunticon unit’s force field and cease inter-factional hostility. See list of required repairs for further information._

“Well.” Starscream put the report down and regarded Soundwave with a quizzical expression. “While that does absolutely nothing to explain how exactly two Autobot minibots and a human managed to take down a combiner team and adjunct team member, it is the most creative retelling of the facts I’ve ever read.” He shook his head. “I feel like I should be taking notes. Swindle can manage to twist **anything** to sound how he wants it.”

“Agreed.” Soundwave himself was still watching the human broadcast that had been looping through most of North America for the past twelve hours. He’d read the report the moment it had been filed, but the broadcast told the story better.

It had been playing on the bridge of the Decepticon base almost since the first news story broke about the short-lived fight between the Combaticons and Bumblebee, Cliffjumper, and Spike. While the fight itself hadn’t been caught on film, the aftermath had. Swindle and Brawl were twisted in pain on the ground, vulnerable parts vibrated loose by proximity when Breakdown had started doing his level best to shake apart everyone at the seams. Vortex was standing guard, no less pained but carefully looking everywhere but at the messy aftermath of the battle. The aftermath, i.e. _’extreme measures’_ as retold by Swindle, seemed to involve Blast Off and Onslaught taking turns hugging Breakdown, force field and all, with their optics shut off to avoid looking at the paranoid Stunticon.

Starscream’s own attention drifted back to the screen. “It did work,” he admitted. “Not the same counter-measure I’d have taken, but I hope that somebody’s stuck that in his file for possible diffusion methods.” The problem with creating mechs with impenetrable force fields was how to take them down when they went around the bend. The Decepticons had started compiling potential methods the moment they realized the problem the Stunticons could become. Not staring at Breakdown was the first on the list; having optics on him set him off in paranoid fits. Hugging him hadn’t been included, but Decepticons were big fans of the _Whatever Works_ school of improvision.

“Report: of more concern,” Soundwave reminded Starscream. “Psychological warfare apparently effective. Counter-measures must be developed immediately.”

“Yessss.” The Air Commander frowned, mind picking apart Swindle’s smooth-talking report. “I’ve already grilled Onslaught on what exactly the Autobots were doing when they ran into the, hmm, ‘patrol,’” it hadn’t really been a patrol, but the Seeker had allowed the Combaticon leader to retain what few scraps of dignity he had left during the interrogation, “and all he’ll say is that the Autobots had their radios turned up irritatingly loud. After that, Breakdown — and I quote Brawl — ‘just lost it.’”

Audio warfare was Soundwave’s realm of specialty, and the communications officer instantly began spinning through all the radio stations in the area of the encounter. Nothing stood out. All the local stations seemed to be playing music based on a seasonal theme, but that wasn’t new. The Decepticons had been baffled by Christmas at first, but they’d been on Earth for long enough to mellow their bafflement into tolerance3. Some of the Decepticons even enjoyed the traditional music from this season now, after having it assault them from all sides year after year. They’d gotten used to it, and then it had gotten to them.

No. It wasn’t new at all. Unless one was a new mech, new to Earth and new to Earth music.

Soundwave’s thoughts froze. It couldn’t possibly be that simple.

Starscream was watching the broadcast again, but he noticed when Soundwave connected the nearest console to the repairbay. “Find something?”

“Perhaps.” He held up a hand, asking for patience. Starscream cocked an optic at him and held his peace for the moment.

Scrapper answered the call, looking cranky. His team had been one of those put under pressure by the increased energon raids. He’d threatened that if the Dinobots destroyed one more Space Bridge, Devastator was going scrap the mission at hand and try to make Grimlock into a wind-up toy instead. “If this is about the Combaticons,” he barked at Soundwave, “we already pitched them out on their afts. Go bother Onslaught.” Behind him, lying quiet and wide-opticked with rigidly controlled terror, Breakdown was perfectly still under Hook’s hands.

Soundwave leaned forward, looking past Scrapper at the Stunticon. “Breakdown.”

Hook raised a fist in clear threat: _Move and I’ll dismantle you._ The Stunticons had learned to obey the Constructicons the hard way, after the thing with Wildrider and the ankle-chains 4. Breakdown just turned his head.

Soundwave played a very brief music clip: _“Do you see what I see?”_

“AA **AAAAAA** AAAAAAAAAA _ **AA** AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!_”

Off to the side, Starscream had actually fallen off his chair he was laughing so hard. Scrapper and Hook were howling curses, trying to restrain their patient. Breakdown was a writhing, screaming wildcat of a mech, scrambling to get away, and Soundwave sat back with a sigh of his vents. So. Human holidays. He added that to Vortex’s ongoing list of things to adjust the Stunticons to on Earth. He also pinged Motormaster to come rescue his gestaltmate before the Constructicons rebuilt the poor mech into a pictureframe or something.

After a second, he pinged Onslaught and Blast Off, too. They had experience calming Breakdown down, after all.

Starscream’s balance hadn’t improved by the time Soundwave turned back. He seemed strangely content to lay flat on the floor, one thruster propped on his chair seat and arms spread wide over his wings. The laughter had trailed off into the occasional chortle, but his grin still stretched wide while he gazed up at the ceiling. In fact, he was looking at the ceiling so intently that Soundwave found himself glancing upward just in case there really was something there. There wasn’t. Starscream was just thinking. Being undignified and thinking, which did happen at infrequent intervals when the sharp mind behind that spastic walking ego went to work.

It was a little frightening, to be honest, but Soundwave would never admit to the creeping icicle of fear dripping down in his chest.

The door hissed open, and someone walked inside the bridge. Starscream turned his head and let his grin widen when he saw who it was. Thundercracker took one look at his wingmate’s evil grin and odd position, and he stopped in his tracks. He very carefully didn’t turn his back. He just took slow, steady steps backward, optics locked on the Air Commander. A system-wide warning went out over the Air Elite’s closed channel the moment the door closed, and if Soundwave didn’t habitually monitor it, he wouldn’t have been treated to the ever-funny sound of composed Thundercracker sounding anything but calm:

 _”Starscream’s plotting something.”_

 _“So? He’s always plotting something.”_

 _“He’s **grinning**. He’s laying on the floor next to Soundwave, and he’s smirking like he just assassinated someone!”_

 _“Did you say he’s laying on the floor?”_

 _“Primus. I’m getting the Pit out of here.”_

 _“Where could you possibly hide?”_

 _“Australia’s nice this time of year. Or China. Skywarp, want to go tour the Great Wall?”_

 _“What? No. Worst piece of landscaping I ever saw. They never even finished it!”_

 _“Let me put it this way: it’s China or Starscream’s latest spate of brilliance.”_

 _“…I feel the need to visit somewhere very far away. China it is!”_

 _“Too late. Check your duty updates.”_

 _“Briefing time in twelve. Fraaaaaag.”_

Soundwave tried to discretely scoot his chair away, but the blasted thing was attached to the floor. The scuff of his feet made Starscream tilt his helm up to look at him upside-down, however, and there was a peculiar kind of mischief in his optics. His mind remained solidly guarded, blocking Soundwave from his actual thoughts, but there was a definite sense of restrained hilarity radiating from him.

“We have a mission,” Starscream reminded him.

“Yes,” Soundwave agreed cautiously.

“I’ve moved the briefing up.”

“Change noticed. Reasons?”

“I have them.” As if that wasn’t frustratingly vague, Starscream stretched like a contented cat on the floor. Just like a cat, he defied physics and somehow took up more space than seemed physically possible. Soundwave had to pull his feet up to avoid a blue hand sweeping across the floor under his chair. The jet gave a thoughtful hum and relaxed again, still looking upside-down at Soundwave. “Breakdown’s breakdown has given me an idea, and while it’s going to take more effort initially, I think changing the mission profile will ultimately be to our benefit.”

And then he explained. It was, predictably enough, utter madness.

Fortunately, Starscream was exceedingly skilled at finding a method in such things. The rest of the Decepticons even agreed: two birds, one stone. Stealing a metric aft-load of energon plus improving Breakdown’s mental health, all at the cost of making a mockery of themselves. Which, even the most arrogant of them had to admit, happened on a regular basis on Earth anyway. Doing it intentionally made all the difference to the faction’s pride as a whole because at the end of the day, no Autobot was going to mock _this_ stunt.

They didn’t, either. Three days after Christmas, Blaster unscrambled the last of the callsigns and code the Decepticons had used. There had been no attempts to hide mission communications. The Decepticons had simply broadcasted across every radio frequency they could reach on the East Coast, and the Americans’ outpouring of Christmas cheer had disguised what was actually being said until it was too late. The few blurts of connected exchanges were thought to be bad transmissions, or even a harmless prank by local station DJs to get laughter from listeners. By the time anyone figured out what was going on, actual events were anything but laughable.

To anyone who wasn’t a Decepticon, anyway. To the Decepticons, Christmas Eve had been _awesome._

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and the Decepticons attacked.

 _“Santa, Santa, have you reached the house-top?”_

 _“Negative. Sleigh delayed. Rudolph uncooperative.”_

 _“Well, the others won’t let me join in any Reindeer games!”_

 _“Rudolph, is your nose so bright?”_

 _“I’m about to go down in history.”_

 _“Request: ignore other Reindeer. Guide Sleigh tonight.”_

The Decepticons skidded in under coastal radar by the tiniest of margins, apparently flying so low and underpowered that they relied on Starscream (mission callsign: Rudolph) to guide them in. He flew point and took out any boats that got in their way. His ‘bright nose’ haunted many a New England sailor after that night, as his nullrays glowed in menacing streaks through the ocean fog, and all that was left in his wake was the scream of jet engines and wreckage. The six Decepticon jets, Vortex, and Blitzwing (group callsign: Reindeer) rode his tailfins in, and Astrotrain (callsign: Sleigh) followed close behind. Soundwave (callsign: Santa) rode inside him.

 _“For the record: you’re lively and quick, Rudolph.”_

 _“Your record needs more glee. Although the shouting was quite impressive.”_

 _“And your nose is indeed quite shiny. Mamma, do you have your ‘kerchief?”_

 _“Yup. Pa’s got his cap, too. We’ve hung the stockings by the chimney with care, and nobody’s stirring.”_

 _“Children are nestled in?”_

 _“Tucked ‘em in myself. We’re just waiting for St. Nick. Status?”_

 _“We’ve reached the top of the porch. Dasher’s scouting the top of the wall. House-top ETA: 2 minutes.”_

 _“Mamma?”_

 _“We’re ready to fly in a flash. What’s the delay? I can’t see what’s the matter.”_

 _“Visibility issues. Soon resolved.”_

The house-top, also known as Calvert Cliffs Nuclear Power Plant, was taken completely surprise. Brawl (mission callsign: Mamma) and Swindle (callsign: Pa) took a day and a half to sneak the Stunticons (callsign: Children) through Maryland to a parking garage within six miles of the power plant. Swindle hired an unwitting moving company to loan out their largest moving trailers; these ‘stockings’ were positioned nearby, ready for packing and retrieval by the Stunticons while Brawl and Swindle ran interference with a pair of very overpowered weapons, i.e. their ‘cap’ and ‘’kerchief.’ The power plant was entirely unprepared when Skywarp (callsign: Dasher) suddenly appeared out of nowhere above it.

Astrotrain, escorted by the other Decepticons, roared out of the fog soon after.

 _“There we go. Nice Christmas lights, guys.”_

 _“I thought the decorations were a bit of an overkill, personally.”_

 _“What can I say? ‘Tis the season for sugar plums and snow. I expect some serious prancing and pawing to go with the clatter, reindeer.”_

 _“You’ve never seen us dash like this, Mamma. You just watch and wonder and see what appears.”_

The attack began with a rain of flash-bangs and incendiary bombs that took out anything that could fight back. A signal-blurt for help got out, but Soundwave — bizarrely repainted in bright red with white trim, including a pure white face mask -- imposed a communication black-out over several square miles of Maryland. Yet he allowed radio signals to continue unimpeded, and, in fact took over the local stations’ broadcasts. The stations blared Christmas music obnoxiously; no one who wasn’t in sight of the attack even noticed the change. The jets peeled off and began destroying everything even remotely military that caught their optics as Brawl and Swindle plowed a path to the power plant for the Stunticons. Vortex landed and tore an opening into the plant for Soundwave, and then he stood guard outside.

 _“Imminent birth!”_

 _“Say again, Shepherds?”_

 _“The Virgin Mary’s gone into premature labor!”_

Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., the distraction and second half of the Decepticons’ plan went into motion as Air Force One, a.k.a. ‘Virgin Mary,’ landed half an hour early due to a scheduling SNAFU. The Autobots could only thank Primus later that the President had arrived before the Constructicons (callsign: Shepherds) could get into place.

 _“Good Lord, report!”_

 _“Angel Gabriel got a message out before I could snipe him -- we’ve got choirs of angels inbound as we speak.”_

 _“Wise Men, find Joseph and keep him away from the Virgin. Innkeeper?”_

 _“I’ll make sure there’s no room in the inn.”_

 _“Baby Jesus in the manger! I repeat, Baby Jesus is in the manger!”_

 _“Well, this is turning into an O Holy Night. Wise Men?”_

 _“We’ve lost the star. Where is Baby Jesus?!”_

Blast Off attempted to snipe Prowl, a.k.a. Angel Gabriel, from orbit. The Autobot SiC had been on his way out of Washington D.C. after meeting with the Vice-President, but he managed to dodge a fatal shot and crawled under a bypass. From there, he called for Autobot support. The Aerialbots, or ‘choirs of angels,’ launched. The Insecticons (callsign: Wise Men) immediately moved into the USA capitol in a search for Silverbolt, or ‘Joseph,’ who had been flying escort for Air Force One. Onslaught (callsign: Innkeeper) opened fire on the White House, reducing it to flaming rubble.

The second the President, codenamed ‘Baby Jesus,’ left Air Force One, the Decepticons lost him in the screaming crowd of humanity. The Insecticons had tagged one of his Secret Service guards for tracking, but a piece of debris took the man down and away from the President.

 _“Hold up. Santa, are you down the chimney?”_

 _“He spoke not a word after going straight to work. His bundle of toys is intact. Do we have something to dread?”_

 _“Nativity Play began early. Can you spare Blitzen, Rudolph?”_

 _“Are you trying to start a War on Christmas? Blitzen can’t be in the manger scene!”_

 _“We’ll take our chances. Baby Jesus is escaping Bethlehem, and the Wise Men need intel.”_

 _“Blitzen, you’re reassigned. Get out under cover of the wreath of smoke and meet up with the Wise Men. Hit Bethlehem hard and fast.”_

At this point, Soundwave had begun siphoning energy from the nuclear power plant. The stack of cubes, or ‘bundle of toys’ was being handed out of the plant by Vortex as Soundwave filled them. The helicopter passed them to the Stunticons, who loaded the trailer-‘stockings’ and took off as soon as they were packed. They went off in every direction to avoid pursuit, but mostly headed for the Jersey Turnpike, where a previously unnoticed Space Bridge had just activated.

The construction of the Space Bridge had been watched with a healthy dose of apathy and irritation by the human drivers passing by on the Turnpike, but the strategic placement of a few of Swindle’s rent-a-cop hirelings carrying a shovel in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other had kept anything like a suspicion from forming. Everyone in on the Turnpike was used to watching road construction not-happen. The light show when the Space Bridge activated had generated a mild amount of interest, but the rent-a-cops hadn’t even put their donuts down. At least, not at first. Now, the sight of Shockwave stepping out of Space Bridge had brought traffic to a screeching halt!

…for about two minutes. This was Christmas Eve, after all.

Back at the Calvert Cliffs Nuclear Power Plant, Blitzwing (callsign: Blitzen) dumped his cargo of cubes and took off for Washington D.C. to blaze a trail of destruction through the capitol in a search for the President. A fact that the Autobots were only aware of once he left Soundwave’s communications black-out.

 _“What’s my mission callsign reassignment?”_

 _“King Herod.”_

 _“I’m on it. Baby Jesus won’t make it out alive.”_

 _“He’d better not. The Ghost of Christmas Past has already been to see Scrooge.”_

 _“Time?”_

 _“6 minutes until The Ghost of Christmas Present departs.”_

 _“Ho ho ho, fraggers.”_

 _“Wrong callsign.”_

 _“What? Holiday cheer is like a sword, right? No one said that mass execution of innocents couldn’t be done merrily.”_

Blitzwing encountered the Aerialbots coming into Washington D.C. airspace, and the Constructicons were already tackling the Dinobots while Blast Off sniped from above and Onslaught helped the Insecticons chase important human officials. They were all being wonderful distractions as, back on the Jersey Turnpike, the first of Reflector’s components (callsigns: The Ghosts of Christmas) arrived at the Space Bridge to update Shockwave (callsign: Scrooge).

At the power plant, the first of the Autobots in the second squadron was spotted. The Decepticons scrambled to stuff as much energon as they could into Astrotrain, who seemed frankly uncomfortable with how much they were shoveling into him. Witnesses testified that Vortex and Dirge dug their feet in and used their shoulders to push on the stacks of cubes as they tried to pack the volatile pink energon in tight enough to wedge in just a few more cubes.

 _“There’s the whistle!”_

 _“Rudolph, sitrep!”_

 _“Stockings are all filled, he’s up the chimney, and—oh. The poor Sleigh.”_

 _“He’s covered in soot and ash!”_

 _“Appearances: unimportant. Tarnish will wash off.”_

 _“Whatever. Just update the Ghost and send him off to visit Scrooge. We’re driving out. Literally; I can’t take off with this many presents loaded.”_

Astrotrain gingerly chugged off overland in trainmode, loudly complaining the whole way about explosive cargo and the mess Soundwave was leaving inside him. The Decepticon Third in Command had started a chain reaction in the power plant reactors, forcing the Autobot squadron to stop in order to stabilize the plant, but the original detonation had backfired spectacularly in his face. Witnesses said he emerged from the plant with his new red paint streaked with black char.

 _“That’s why you have Reindeer, Sleigh. Get out of sight and fly. Nativity Play update?”_

 _“We’ve got a full house; everybody’s in the stable. The animals were set loose, and there are choirs of angels singing everywhere. No sign of Baby Jesus, but how would we find him in this mess? They all look the same when they’re dead.”_

 _“Send in the Shepherds and Wise Men to—“_

 _“Bah Humbug! It’s a Bah Humbug!”_

 _“Ghost of Christmas Present, report!”_

 _“Scrooge says Bob Cratchit is on the attack!”_

 _“Jacob Marley?”_

 _“Fighting Tiny Tim! Orders are to abort the gift exchange and do some fancy wrapping instead. We’ll have a Secret Santa party later via the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.”_

 _“Got it. Get out of there.”_

 _“Don’t have to tell me twice!”_

The _Ark_ had bounced a transmission through the open Space Bridge by then, and the Autobots on Cybertron started a desperate attack. Ultra Magnus, a.k.a. ‘Bob Cratchit,’ ordered the ambush of several Decepticon outposts, which required Shockwave’s quick return to Cybertron in order to coordinate a drone counter-attack. Megatron (callsign: Jacob Marley) had been monitoring the raid from Cybertron, ready to receive the energon shipment from Earth, when Tiny Tim, better known as Optimus Prime, broke into Shockwave’s Tower to attack him personally.

Reflector fled back through the Space Bridge to Earth, where the Decepticons were bringing presents down the Jersey Turnpike for the good mechs and femmes of Cybertron. Megatron’s orders were relayed, and the Stunticons disappeared back into traffic. Astrotrain trundled into the air with some assistance from his “eight tiny Reindeer,” who heckled him all the way, much to the amusement of the human drivers left down below.

 _“Nativity Play players, withdraw. Rudolph, what’s status on the Menorah?”_

 _“Standing by and ready to kindle the lights.”_

 _“Jacob Marley’s converted. Time for Hanukkah.”_

And on Cybertron, Sunstorm dropped from orbit like a burning comet of Primus’ wrath aimed directly at Optimus Prime’s head. Megatron had painstakingly explained the various religions behind the celebration of Christmas on Earth to the crazy Seeker, and then heavily implied that Prime was trying to import those religions to Cybertron. Apparently, this was enough to infuriate a devote follower of Primus. Who knew?

 _“Acknowledged. Tell Jacob Marley he has eight minutes before the festival ends.”_

 _“Right on. Santa, how d’ya feel about coming to town? I’ve got a Naughty List.”_

 _“Detour acceptable.”_

 _“Think we got on the Nice List?”_

 _“We’d better have. Reindeer get a free pass, don’t they?”_

 _“Don’t worry, Santa checked the List twice.”_

 _“Yeah, but we laughed and called Rudolph names.”_

 _“So? He cried **and** pouted.”_

 _“…you’d better watch out, Vixen.”_

 _“Ah-heh. Yessir.”_

 _“What does the Naughty List get, anyway?”_

 _“Coal.”_

 _“But I like coal.”_

 _“Not this coal.”_

 _“Oh.”_

 _“Coming to town. Defenses: look asleep. Probability is high that they are awake. Town is attempting to disguise being alerted to possible visit. Elves’ assistance required.”_

 _“On our way, boss. North Pole out.”_

It took Blaster three days to sort out the Decepticons’ mission logs because Soundwave and his festively-repainted Cassetticons (callsign: Elves) landed near the _Ark_ and proceeded to infiltrate, sabotage, and hack whatever could be reached before anyone could chase them away. Teltraan 1 went on the fritz, having been given a payload of a Decepticon communication specialist’s worst viruses, a.k.a. ‘coal.’ After letting themselves be driven away by decidedly Grinch-like Autobots, the jolly bunch of Decepticons caused havoc at nearly thirty McDonald’s locations and a K-Mart on their flight to the coast and onward to their base 5.

But they were heard to exclaim, as they retreated out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

 

 

[* * * * *]  
 **Footnotes**  
[* * * * *]

 

1After mistakenly downloading a management tutorial written by a New York City business tycoon, Megatron had begun advocating communication in the workplace. He felt it did the Decepticons good to be informed of exactly what would happen if they failed him. In the spirit of being communicative, he’d given a very nice speech before leaving his treacherous Second in Command and more subtle Third behind on Earth. It had featured stirring usages of motivational phrases that left Starscream petrified with inspiration, standing at attention like a statue long after Megatron left the room. Soundwave had been right there next to the Air Commander, and he’d been shaking hard enough that a fine-tuned ear could have picked up the sound of Ravage’s collar-bell jingling from inside his chest. The two Decepticon officers had agreed that ‘twas the season for not getting killed -- and that they never wanted to endure Megatron’s version of motivational speaking again.

2 Even Blitzwing obeyed the road rules this time of year, and he was a _tank._ Decepticon road rage had nothing on a mother of three trying to shop during her lunch break. Sale-crazed mothers in mini-vans were enough to intimidate even hardened warriors. It’s why the Decepticons never raided near major shopping outlets this time of year. In the middle of a civil war, yes, but nobody was stupid enough to get in the middle of American commercialism. They’d probably end up with a price tag attached to one arm and pine cones lodged somewhere uncomfortable. Swindle loved it, but then again, Swindle had sold his own combiner team. The mech wasn’t blessed with strength of common sense when it came up against his greed.

3Soundwave’s Cassetticons were among those Decepticons. Rumble and Frenzy spent half of December wearing extremely shiny swag decorations around their necks like metallic boas. They’d also taken to stalking mechs in the corridors with boxes of ornaments, on an apparent quest to get someone to actually wear them like jewelry. So far, only Shrapnel had agreed to it. Fortunately, the only mechs in the base with even vaguely green (and therefore Christmas tree-like) paint jobs were the Constructicons, who regarded waking up covered in Christmas paraphernalia as a strange source amusement instead of annoyance. Mixmaster seemed to enjoy Christmas in general, which had led to the worrisome creation of several specialty ‘drinks’ and the base-wide announcement of, “Abort latte! Reboot, retry, rebrew! Whipped cream error!” This announcement had been followed by a large explosion on that Christmas Day not too many years ago.

4It hadn’t been the ankle-chains so much as the fact that they’d been connected to a Russian submarine at the time. The Constructicons had waited until Wildrider realized he’d been disarmed and was neither large nor strong enough to move something the size of a submarine underwater. The Russians had obligingly towed him around the ocean by his ankles while he screamed for help that wasn’t coming. Long Haul laid out the deal for the Russian navy: do as the Constructicons ordered, and he’d personally evacuate the crew to the nearest landmass, safe and sound — if lacking a submarine. Because Bonecrusher had waited until the crew was off and sunk it with Wildrider still attached. While over one of the deeper ocean floor trenches. Megatron eventually allowed rescuers to retrieve the hyperactive Stunticon, but by then, Wildrider had been trapped in pitch dark with freaky fish for about three days. He’d been kept mostly immobile by water pressure and the weight of a very large submarine. Wildrider never even twitched anymore under Hook’s hands, and Vortex was openly trying to get the Constructicons to do it to him this time.

5The Stunticons collected Happy Meals toys. Dead End carefully set up shelves for displaying his collection, but the others stuck them haphazardly to their dashboards. Soundwave was feeling generous. Laserbeak and Rumble just wanted to pick up boxes of Christmas decorations for next year’s plans. Also…yeah. Tinsel. Not even Decepticons were immune to the joy of flinging shiny tinsel at each other. Mixmaster used it to garnish his gasoline lattes, which only made them appear slightly less toxic. Waking up Christmas Day to a handful of cheap plastic toys and an alarmingly glitzy cup o’ something poisonous and/or experimental, oddly enough, made Breakdown actually look pleased instead of paranoid. However, things went downhill from there.

It started with someone mentioning Valentine’s Day…

 

 

[* * * * *]

 **Prompt list:**  
“Do You Hear What I Hear?” – Christmas hymn  
The Biblical story of Jesus’ birth from the Books of Matthew and Luke  
Charles Dickens’ _”A Christmas Carol”_  
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” – Christmas song/poem  
Clement Clarke Moore’s _“A Visit From St. Nicholas”_  
“Santa Clause is Coming to Town” – Christmas song


End file.
